I hate St. Patrick's Day...

I have nothing against the Irish or St. Patrick...it's just the date.

It was 7 am on St. Patrick's Day 2003 that my water broke with Josh & Jonah.

It was on St. Patrick's Day 2003 that I was flown to Ottawa from Thunder Bay because if our little boys were born at 23 1/2 weeks, the Thunder Bay could not adequately care for them.

It was on St. Patrick's Day that we were given the odds of our sons surviving if born at the cusp of viability. It was less than 1%.

It was on St. Patrick's Day that we had to decide if our sons would receive medical intervention or "normal newborn" care (swaddled and handed to us to peacefully pass away in our arms).

We had certainly made some parenting decisions to that point with respect to the pregnancy, but on St. Patrick's Day 2003 we were being asked to check a box when we didn't have peace about any of the options.

We didn't sleep the night of St. Patrick's Day 2003...we prayed... we cried...

It was St. Patrick's Day 2003 when our lives changed forever.

The next few weeks are always challenging... there are so many days associated with significant times in the lives of our sweet Josh & Jonah.

March 18... we meet Josh for the very first time. With a little wave and squeak he was whisked away to the NICU to fight for his life... without his brother. Jon went back and forth from the NICU to my side. I fought to keep Jonah inside just a little bit longer.

March 19... because of an infection, my labour with Jonah had to be induced. He was breech and so the OBs deemed that the best scenario was for him to be delivered in his amniotic sac. With a push and a wave, little Jonah landed on the bed before anyone really noticed he had been born! Jon and my sister Joan were there to witness the miracle of his birth.

March 19... while in labour with Jonah, Josh's neonatologist delivered the news that there was nothing more they could do.

March 20... we held our precious Josh for the very first time as one of our favourite neonatolgists delivered oxygen. His tubes were removed and we held him as he went to be with Jesus.

Good Friday & April 18... as Jon and I were taking a short break from Jonah's side to eat (after spending the night at the hospital), one of his nurses came to find us. When we entered the room, one of our favourite nurses, Al, was solemnly unhooking Jonah's leads and handing him to me. He died shortly after, in our arms. He went to join his "big" brother Josh in their Heavenly home.

It was supposed to be July 2003 when we met our beautiful baby boys. But it was March. It all started on St. Patrick's Day.

I know that God is Sovereign. I know that God has a perfect plan for my life. I will forever be thankful for the precious time we had with Josh & Jonah. I long to glorify God through sharing our story of their lives.

Yet, it doesn't make St. Patrick's Day any easier. It doesn't make the next few weeks any easier. I really don't like St. Patrick's Day.

And I miss them... a lot.