8 years old...

Our sweet Josh and Jonah would have turned 8 years old this week.

Shortly after the boys passed away, I realized that much of my grief was for lost memories... for moments that we would never experience or celebrate with them...

We celebrate the three amazing children that we've been blessed to parent here on earth.

We celebrated Jordy's 3rd birthday with a Buzz Lightyear cake (definately the most difficult one I've attempted so far)...

...we celebrate Abby's acro accomplishments...

...we celebrate the wonder of Shrinky Dinks!

... we celebrate Abby's 7th birthday and her love of dogs with Petshop puppy cupcakes...

... we celebrate winter by sliding down hills...

...and warm mittens...

...and backward rolls when crazy carpets stop and Jude keeps going...

...we celebrate the imagination that a big treadmill box can ignite...

... we celebrate the coming of spring with hot maple syrup poured onto the snow for a special treat...

...we celebrate the fun of styrofoam packing peanuts (cleaning up... not so fun...)

... we celebrate with tie-dye t-shirts made at playschool

... we celebrate Jude's imagination in creating "Sideswipe" the snowman...

... we celebrate Jordy learning to navigate the monkey bars at gymnastics...

As much as we celebrate Abby, Jude & Jordan, we miss all the celebrations we would have had with Josh & Jonah.

An Easter Tradition...

Easter is as difficult for us as the anniversary of Jonah's death. Jonah passed away on Good Friday. Because it was a holiday, they could not perform the autopsy and we could not make the final arrangements for the boys until Tuesday. My sisters and our mothers arrived shortly after Jonah passed away and so were able to say "good-bye". They stayed in Ottawa with us for a couple of days and then returned to NB. Until Jonah passed away, nearly every waking moment had been spent at the hospital, learning about the boys' care & spending time by their sides. After Jonah joined Josh in their Heavenly home and our family returned to NB, we were at a loss... how could we possibly pass the time in Ottawa until all the arrangements could be made after Easter? Everywhere we went we saw happy parents with happy, chubby, healthy babies...babies the reminded us that we would never see our little Josh and Jonah grow up. People were going about their lives and yet we felt stuck. Even at Ronald McDonald House, where we continued to stay, parents still had their children.

We decided that we just needed to escape. We went out for supper and then to a movie. For the duration of the movie, it almost felt "normal". It was when the credits appeared at the end of the movie that an enormous wave of reality washed over both me and Jon. I was no longer pregnant with our twins. Josh was gone. Jonah was gone. We were childless parents.

Every Easter (and sometimes throughout the year) we watch The Core...
the movie that we watched on Easter weekend 7 years ago...
trying to make time pass faster...
trying to help us escape...
& forget our pain...
if only for a couple hours.

As the credits roll we remember how we felt that first time...

Wondering & remembering...

Jon has been teaching Jude how to play catch and throw the ball by stepping as he throws. It warmed my heart to see Jude learning from his dad something that his dad loved to do as he was growing up. It also made me feel a little sad as I remembered yet another thing that we would not be able to do with Josh & Jonah on this side of Heaven...

We had a little birthday party for the boys this weekend. The kids helped make the cupcakes and blow out the candles after we sang. My emotions were a little raw last week...I really missed the boys and truly felt the impact of their birthdays and the anniversary of Josh's death.

I ordered this beautiful necklace a few weeks ago. We picked it up over the weekend. I'd been searching for something I could wear to honour all our children. I have a locket that Jon gave me on my very first Mother's Day (2003), but it holds only pictures of Josh & Jonah.

This is perfect. I love it. The design is called "Family Tree Necklace" and was made by

Lisa Leonard.

I hate St. Patrick's Day...

I have nothing against the Irish or St. Patrick...it's just the date.

It was 7 am on St. Patrick's Day 2003 that my water broke with Josh & Jonah.

It was on St. Patrick's Day 2003 that I was flown to Ottawa from Thunder Bay because if our little boys were born at 23 1/2 weeks, the Thunder Bay could not adequately care for them.

It was on St. Patrick's Day that we were given the odds of our sons surviving if born at the cusp of viability. It was less than 1%.

It was on St. Patrick's Day that we had to decide if our sons would receive medical intervention or "normal newborn" care (swaddled and handed to us to peacefully pass away in our arms).

We had certainly made some parenting decisions to that point with respect to the pregnancy, but on St. Patrick's Day 2003 we were being asked to check a box when we didn't have peace about any of the options.

We didn't sleep the night of St. Patrick's Day 2003...we prayed... we cried...

It was St. Patrick's Day 2003 when our lives changed forever.

The next few weeks are always challenging... there are so many days associated with significant times in the lives of our sweet Josh & Jonah.

March 18... we meet Josh for the very first time. With a little wave and squeak he was whisked away to the NICU to fight for his life... without his brother. Jon went back and forth from the NICU to my side. I fought to keep Jonah inside just a little bit longer.

March 19... because of an infection, my labour with Jonah had to be induced. He was breech and so the OBs deemed that the best scenario was for him to be delivered in his amniotic sac. With a push and a wave, little Jonah landed on the bed before anyone really noticed he had been born! Jon and my sister Joan were there to witness the miracle of his birth.

March 19... while in labour with Jonah, Josh's neonatologist delivered the news that there was nothing more they could do.

March 20... we held our precious Josh for the very first time as one of our favourite neonatolgists delivered oxygen. His tubes were removed and we held him as he went to be with Jesus.

Good Friday & April 18... as Jon and I were taking a short break from Jonah's side to eat (after spending the night at the hospital), one of his nurses came to find us. When we entered the room, one of our favourite nurses, Al, was solemnly unhooking Jonah's leads and handing him to me. He died shortly after, in our arms. He went to join his "big" brother Josh in their Heavenly home.

It was supposed to be July 2003 when we met our beautiful baby boys. But it was March. It all started on St. Patrick's Day.

I know that God is Sovereign. I know that God has a perfect plan for my life. I will forever be thankful for the precious time we had with Josh & Jonah. I long to glorify God through sharing our story of their lives.

Yet, it doesn't make St. Patrick's Day any easier. It doesn't make the next few weeks any easier. I really don't like St. Patrick's Day.

And I miss them... a lot.

I miss them...

Tonight, I'm sitting in front of our computer instead of snuggly in bed. I've been thinking of Josh and Jonah so much more than usual over the past little while. Tonight, I really miss them. More than usual. Maybe it's because I've recently shared our story with people who weren't aware that Abby is not our first child. Maybe it's seeing Jude and Jordan's relationship blossom, especially since becoming roommates this past week. Maybe it's because we converted our nursery, the room where we dreamed that Josh and Jonah would spend their first years together, into Abby's room. Maybe it's because we took down the shelf in the nursery that held some of their belongings. Maybe it's because 7 years ago tomorrow I sat around with friends looking through baby name books while eating birthday cake, trying to find two boys' names that sounded good together and were meaningful. Maybe it's because I recently heard a sermon about Heaven and being reunited with those who have gone before us. Maybe it's because I learned tonight that a friend from back home is expecting twin boys... that's when the dam of emotions broke. That's when I started sobbing... I miss them.

And yet, I have the hope of seeing them again. I'm so very thankful that God allowed me to be their mother even though it meant heartwrenching loss. I'm thankful for all that God has taught me through their births and deaths. I'm thankful for Abby, Jude & Jordan. I'm thankful for Jon and our marriage that God sustained. I'm thankful that God is good and faithful, always.

Sometimes blogging is more for me than for others. So, for those of you who took the time to read this post, thank you for "listening" :)

Praying for Stellan... I still believe

There is this sweet little 5-month old boy whose heart is failing. He's been on my heart and in my prayers whenever I think of him and his family. His name is Stellan.

You may have noticed the button on the left hand side of our blog, "Praying for Stellan". I started reading McMama's (aka Jennifer's) blog when little Stellan was born at the end of October. He was diagnosed with fatal heart problems while in utero. Friends and strangers from across the globe joined her in praying for him. He was born healthy. He is a miracle.

Last Sunday they took him to the hospital. He had been sick over the weekend and was getting sicker (wheezing, difficulty breathing). After one course of treatment he was doing well and they were planning to send him home. After he had another choking spell, they decided to give him another course of treatment. It sent his heart into SVT (see Jennifer's post here where she explains Supraventricular Tachycardia), one of the issues he struggled with in utero.

Jennifer is a Christian. She`s trusting God, leaning on God. She`s real about how she`s feeling, but unwavering in her faith. She knows that whether or not God chooses to heal Stellan once again, he is a miracle and God is still good.

Her struggles remind me of my own with the boys. We sat, exhausted, by their beds, learning about different treatment options, listening to medical professionals weigh different options, waiting for x-rays and blood gases, watching helplessly as new tubes & lines were inserted, always praying for our sweet sons.

One of my struggles after the boys passed away was why we should pray if God is only going to do what He wants to do anyway. Over time, I realized that God is sovereign. My mind is unable to even begin to understand His ways. I find peace knowing that God is in control and doesn`t always give us what we think we need or want. I so very much appreciated Jennifer`s post about prayer and why we should pray even though, yes, God will inevitably do what He sees as best. .

Josh and Jonah died, but God is still God. His ways are higher than our ways. I still believe.

Stellan is very sick. Please join me in praying for him.

Happy Birthday Josh & Jonah!

'til we meet again

It was 6 years ago today that we held our sweet Joshua Michael in our arms until God took him home.

Joshie was born at 10:15 am on March 18, 2003 at Ottawa General Hospital weighing 1 lb, 6 oz. Despite his optimistic beginning, his extreme prematurity led to his rapid deterioration. We had the honour of parenting Josh for two days until he died in our arms on March 20, 2003. We will forever cherish the hours we spent holding him and talking to him before he passed away. We will always be thankful for this little while.

This is what we wrote for Josh for the memorial services:

To Josh

It's supposed to be July,
But it's March

You were too young to be born today
Any yet your little fingers already have fingernails,
Your tiny head already has dark hair.

Your skin, thin and fragile, bruises so easily
And yet you are beautiful,
Fearfully and wonderfully made.

How we longed to comfort you
Feeling so helpless as we sat at your bedside
Watching you through glass...
Praying for you...
Hoping you felt our love.

We may never understand why it's March
But we're blessed to have this precious time with you.
We love you Josh,
You'll always be in our hearts.


To read Josh's story...

Water break and Josh is born
Jonah's born (while I was in labour with Jonah, Josh's condition quickly deteriorated)
Saying good-bye to Josh

As always, please feel free to comment... it helps knowing that others have taken the time to get to know our little boys, even if only through their Mummy & Daddy.

Today, Josh would have turned 6 years old. The past couple of days have been difficult. I truly don't have words to describe what I've been feeling. At times I struggle to get out a single thought (I felt really bad for my clinical supervisor today during supervision as I tried to maintain a coherent train of thought). Other times my eyes just fill with tears as I think of my sweet Josh and Jonah.

Each day, we get to know Abby, Jude and Jordan even better. God has given them such unique and precious personalities. Josh and Jonah too had unique and precious personalities. We just didn't have as much time to get to know them this side of Heaven. I think that's part of what I'm feeling...

I wonder if Jonah would have shunned vegetables like Abby and Jude... I wonder if Josh would have been fearless like Jordan. Would they have preferred trains or cars and trucks? Kitties or dogs?

As I get to know Abby, Jude and Jordan, my heart aches that I didn't get to know Josh and Jonah ...

What I do know is that they were both fighters. I know that they were brave. I know that they were each carried lovingly to Heaven and I know that one day I'll be able to hold them again.

Jon had to take a day trip yesterday for work and didn't get back until 11 pm. As I was doing the bedtime routine on my own, I allowed Abby and Jude to play while I put Jordan to bed. As I came out of his room, they met me dressed like this...



The picture is so Abby and Jude and captures their personalities... God knew that I needed to smile and cherish my little people yesterday. This, made my day.

Parent/Child Dedication

Today we had a parent-child dedication ceremony at our church for our little family. Our pastor made reference to us and our family often during the service. Here's the link to hear Kevin speak about going through dark times and yet find peace and be touched by the grace of God.

God had made laughter for me


This is a copy of the testimony that we gave...

In March 2003, before Abigail (Abby) Grace and Jude were born, we had twin sons, Joshua Michael & Jonah David. They were born at 23 ½ weeks gestational age and so from the beginning, had very little chance of survival. Before God took our little boys home, we were able to spend time with them, 2 days with Josh and 30 days with Jonah. We feel so very blessed to have had even this little while with our precious little boys. Although we shed countless tears and our hearts felt as though they were literally breaking, we felt God's peace & comfort knowing that they were in the arms of Jesus & that they no longer felt pain or discomfort.

The months that followed their deaths were difficult and I often felt abandoned by God. I knew that God had allowed our sons to be born early and then die long before their expected due date for a good reason, but I was still angry with Him. As we so often do, I thought my well-intentioned plans were better than His. However, over time God patiently reminded me of His great faithfulness and His endless love for me and our little boys. Through the healing power of the Holy Spirit I realized that peace could come only through submitting to God’s authority and by acknowledging that I could see only a tiny piece of His perfect plan. I know that God will make something beautiful from the ashes of our tragedy and I'm excited to see how God may use us. I know that God has already used our experiences with Josh and Jonah to make us better parents to Abby and Jude. Passing each pregnancy milestone to get us closer to full-term and giving our babies a greater chance of survival was reason to celebrate and to be thankful. Every hour and day that we were given to spend with Josh and Jonah was a gift.
God has helped me to see my days with Abby and Jude the same way. We parent them knowing that they are gifts from Heaven and that we truly are blessed.So today we want to celebrate and give thanks to God for each of our children. We want to commit ourselves to be Godly parents who pray for and with our children, teaching them to love and worship God above all else. We want Abby and Jude to truly see Christ in us and know what it means to have a personal relationship with Jesus.
The passage we want to share with Abby and Jude is Proverbs 3:5-7 "Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn [entirely] away from evil"